Ink drawings

‘The Nonflirt’, a light night drawing from last night, biro pen ink and fountain pen ink. It is a representative of myself and how I’ve never understood flirting, regardless of gender.

There is too much in life that I have never understood, and will probably never figure out.

Another quick biro drawing from today

When everything goes wrong


Progress on holiday project for uni

My eight drawings based on words taken from my piece of writing based on an object – an empty wine bottle, specifically Chateauneuf du Pape.

L-R top row: Clown, Hyena, Goblet

L-R middle row: Staggering, Sneering, Numbing

L-R bottom row: Lulling, Bed

All drawings minus Lulling and Bed.

Painting on empty wine/alcohol bottles from this morning. I will continue layering the paint once some are fully dry.

A series of quick ink drawings from yesterday and today, aside from my assigned university work. These are very fast, expressive and emotional (angry) pieces except for the first two, where there is an aura of tenderness and trust. These will continue for the foreseeable.

First painting of 2018!

‘The unattainable’ (January 2018) oil on canvas, 65cm x 90cm

I came up with these three characters back in 2013. From right to left: Maddy, Isadora and Lucien. Maddy is a bored, dissatisfied young girl in a longterm relationship with Lucien, but she was never really in love with him like he was in love with her. She comes across Isadora and is immediately infatuated as they watch her dance, whilst Maddy glugs a bottle of wine, much to Lucien’s distaste. Isadora represents lust, infatuation and the unattainable, Lucien represents being trapped and stifled, and Maddy represents dissatisfaction, cutting off your nose to spite your face and the inability to make decisions. The yellow glow of the lamp in the corner illuminates the two women, to show how easily Isadora ensnared Maddy whilst Lucien looks on in the background, left in the dark. To further emphasise this, Isadora’s curly red hair entangles Maddy’s wine glass and some of the colour seeps into Maddy’s own hair. Lucien is possibly suspicious, or simply feels left out.

In some of the storylines I came up with for this trip, Isadora returns Maddy’s feelings, such as having an affair with her whilst in their late teens, but for the most part it is only her persona and her image; she is a flirtatious and attractive woman, although she expresses guilt for supposedly leading Maddy on. In truth, she didn’t lead Maddy on; she is a performer, and Maddy simply fell in love and realised she needed more than just comfort with Lucien, and that she wasn’t happy with him.

Sometimes I am Maddy, and sometimes I am Isadora. However, I am not Lucien, as I have never experienced the feeling of being in love with someone who was in love with someone else.

Today’s work

Nobody has ever truly known or understood me, and I can’t relate to the majority of people I meet. I have no interest in romance, and it seems hard for others to grasp the disinterest in such a ‘normal’ and ‘natural’ feeling, whilst I cannot comprehend these feelings. I’ve fallen profoundly and deeply in love before, but I saw it as a burden and it always caused great fear, loathing and anxiety to me. People will never really see or know the real me, and I cannot see them. People think I’m unpredictable and bizarre, and whilst I’m definitely the latter, I’m actually one of the most predictable people out there. I rely on routine and respond poorly to both drastic and minor changes. I’m hard and emotionless and cold, yet simultaneously full of emotion with an inner desire for a comfortable emotional intimacy with a close friend, with no fear of being abandoned or judged. But that desire will remain locked away, never to be shown. One minute I crave, the next minute I’m repulsed. There’s no consistency, yet all the consistency. I am me, and most people I interact with will all share the same view on who I am as a person. I have no alternate faces, I just mask my small amount of warmth, and it that’s when I begin to genuinely trust and connect. But I’m not connecting, and I’m ok with that.